Do you need a Divorce?

The Bible says, God hates divorce!

Nowhere does the Bible specifically say that all divorce is a sin, and divorce is enough to make us realize that we must not or ever deal with this topic. What breaks the marriage covenant, and what are some of God’s thoughts on or about marriage and divorce. There is not an end-all about divorce nor is there a be-all about divorce.

1. Let’s look at the Marriage Covenant?

First we need to understand that marriage is a covenant, not a contract. A contract can have loopholes, can be broken by mutual agreement, and usually expires or must be renewed after a specified time. A covenant is very different - it is intended to continue as long as those who have entered into it are alive, it cannot be broken by mutual agreement, and there are no loopholes. In days of old, violating the bounds of a covenant resulted in death. This was the punishment for adultery (for men and women) given to the Jews by God. The death of the one who had broken the covenant left no doubt that the covenant had ended, and the person who was still alive was no longer bound by the covenant (by the way, this is why Jesus had to die on the cross, His death ended the old covenant and made way for the new one).

There is confusion in the Western societies about a legal marriage contract in addition to a spiritual marriage covenant. First, lets consider, our human laws do not bind God, and how the law views a couple marriage may not reflect how God views them. If the covenant has been broken, then a divorce decree is merely a legal representation of a spiritual reality that has already occurred. However, if the covenant has not been broken, then a divorce decree does not change the fact that God sees the couple as married.

2. What breaks a Marriage Covenant?

Being now under grace, we no longer kill those who break a covenant, but this does not mean that the covenant is not ended. When a covenant is broken, the one who has been wronged is no longer bound by the covenant. So, what breaks a covenant?

Jesus Christ said that sexual sin breaks a covenant. In Matthew 19:9 (NKJV) Jesus says "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery." The Greek word translated as sexual immorality here is Porneia. Other versions translate this as "fornication" "immorality" "unfaithfulness" "whoredom" "lewdness" "loss of her virtue" and "unchastely"; but none of these gives the full meaning of the Greek word. Porneia originally referred to prostitution, but the word was used by Christians of the first century to cover all sexual sin. In Mtthew 15:19 Jesus is giving a list of sins which come from the heart, and that list includes both the Greek word for adultery Moicheia and Porneia. The Apostle Paul likewise uses both words in his list of "works of the flesh" found in Gal. 5:19 . Porneia can include adultery, but it obviously means much more. In Acts 15:29 when the Jews are giving a list of things that the Gentiles should avoid, Porneia is among them. This was not simply a command against fornication or adultery, but a warning against all sexual sin. In 1 Cor. 7:15 Paul seems to indicate that abandonment by an unbelieving spouse breaks the covenant. If we reason a bit breaking the marriage covenant, between the couple that promise when they marry to be faithful, they promise to care for each other and show each other respect till death do part. The husband promises to provide for his wife and for their children - this includes not only providing for physical needs, but also for mental, emotional, and spiritual needs. Likewise the wife promises to meet her husband's needs. Marriage also includes a promise of sexual fidelity. This is not just a promise to not have sex elsewhere, but is also a promise to have sex within the marriage. It would seem that violating any of those promises could be a case of breaking the covenant. Dr. Laura gives the "4 A's" of divorce as adultery, abuse, addiction, abandonment. Certainly each of these can be a serious sin, and a very real danger to the spouse and any children. In many situations such sins would break the covenant.

Breaking the Covenant includes sexual refusal and denied.

There is breaking the covenant which is seldom mentioned, and often rather controversial; that is Apostle Paul says in 1 Cor. 7 “ that it is sin to refuse our spouse sexually. In the Old Testament men are specifically commanded to meet their wives' sexual needs (as well as provide her with clothes and food), and in Jewish civil law sexual refusal was a valid reason for divorce and remarriage even if the couple had children. It seems to us that the word Porneia includes sexual refusal, and as such forced abstinence could be a valid reason for divorce according to Jesus. What we are talking about here is not a difference of sex drive which results in one spouse saying "no" on occasion, but to an ongoing rejection of sex which results in little or no sex. Paul again makes clear in 1 Cor. 7 that many do not have the ability to resist sexual sin without a spouse to meet their sexual needs. Apostle Paul says that widows (In 1 Tim. 5) who are under the age of 60 should not make a pledge of celibacy because they will become so sexually desirous that they will set aside their commitment. Based on these things, we begin now to understand why a divorce can be granted for forced sexual abstinence thus would be allowed. These are serious sexual issues, and the person who is being refused needs to make sure that He or She is not doing things that make it difficult or impossible for their spouse to be sexual with them. Porn or fetishes in the marriage bed can bring sexual refusal. Emotional rejection, extreme manipulation, even masturbation and open disrespect will also lead to a situation where it's impossible to want or enjoy wholesome marriges’sex.

3. Marriage Couples hearts’ conditions

We have to maintain perspective. None of us are perfect, and we all fail at least in small ways from time to time. This is where the heart issue comes in; there is the failure of our hearts to follow and obey patterns given by God our willingly obeying or violating the marriage covenant, or there can be an occasional sin in couples due to human weakness and selfishness? A couple may have a hard heart, or may become fallen from the Grace of God’s Word? Sin oftentimes does not necessarily indicate a hard heart. King David committed both adultery and murder, but was still said to have a heart after God. He sinned greatly, but his heart was not hard. If a man commits adultery, but is truly repentant, he does not have a hard heart. If his wife refuses to forgive him and seeks a divorce then it is actually the wife who has the hard heart.

Jesus told the Pharisees that Moses allowed divorce "for any reason" because of the hardness of the people's hearts, but that this was not how God wanted it. It seems to us that the hard heart of the husband, the wife, or both causes all divorce. Hard-heartedness is certainly a sin, and anyone thinking about divorce needs to be sure that it's not because his or her heart is hard.

4. Divorce - to do or not to do; God desires to restore relationship of couples

God always desires to restore relationships, not end them. Can we say divorce is ever allowed? Some say it is never allowed, others seem to think it's allowed for just about any reason. We think both of these extremes are unbiblical. Jesus clearly gave some situations where divorce was allowed, and Paul seems to have added to the list.Does a breaking of the covenant require divorce? Does it make divorce the right or best choice? Each case is different, but God always desires to restore relationships, not end them. Anyone who jumps at the first "technical opportunity" to divorce is showing their heart is not in line with God's. When the covenant has been broken divorce is allowed, but it is neither required nor necessarily right with God. If the spouse who has sinned is serious about repenting and working on the relationship, then the only Godly choice is to give them a chance. If the spouse who has sinned is unrepentant, openly defiant, or commits the sin over and over, then divorce may be something to consider; it's still not a requirement, but it may no longer be a violation of God's will. In this situation the wronged person must prayerfully seek the Lord's will. A number of things will play into this, including if the couple has children, and the ability of the wronged spouse to continue in the face of ongoing sin.

Is there ever a situation where divorce is required? If the spouse or children are in real danger of physical, sexual, or significant emotional abuse, then getting away form the abuser is required. Because of the laws (more so in some states than others) a divorce may be required to obtain legal protection. It would also seem that the Lord is not honored by a marriage where one person is grossly, continually, and openly violating the covenant. In such a situation divorce might actually be required to honor the idea of marriage. It is unreasonable to use something which was known before marriage as a reason to divorce. If One was saved and He or She was not, to violated God's will by marrying, and then one knowing choose an unequally-yoked relationship; later decide to break it, would one consider this to be wrong? If couples are open about their porn addiction, or about their hatred of sex, and there is no indication that the problem needs to be worked on, can such couple agree to live with it as is? It's unreasonable to use something, which was known before marriage as a reason to divorce. If there seems to be a situation where divorce would be allowed, then what? Unless there is a very real danger to spouse or children, just moving out and filing for divorce is not the way to go. Some folks put up with something for years, never really clearly communicating how important it is to them, and then divorce seemingly come without warning as answer to the problem they have lived with for years. Confrontation is no fun, but doing it God's way requires us to clearly inform the other spouse of the situation as one sees it, and what one feel needs to be done to fix it. Say the problem more than once, and say it in front of or through others if neccesary. If this does not work, then it's time for an ultimatum - just be sure you are ready to follow through if the other spouse makes no move to change or get help. If all of that fails, and one may feel divorce is not wrong for them, move out and see if that gets the spouse's attention. More than one marriage has been saved only after a separation rather than filing for divorce. Even if divorce is allowed, even if it would not be out of a hard heart on the part of the one seeking the divorce, there is always a blessing in trying to make the marriage work. If the sinning spouse seems unlikely to ever change, can the wronged spouse cope with this as an ongoing situation? Can the other spouse live with a lack of respect, or a lack of emotional intimacy? Can the man or woman who is refused sex control their sex drive, and can they live with their spouse without an anger toward him or her?

5. What about Remarriage?

Let’s look at remarriage! Jesus said that in the case of sexual sin divorce could be followed by remarriage. Paul seems to indicate the same thing for divorce resulting from an unbeliever leaving a believer. These are the situations where remarriage is Biblically approved, but does this mean there are no others? In theory any breaking of the covenant could allow for remarriage. On the other hand it is clear from what Jesus said that remarriage is sin if divorce comes without the covenant being broken. We need to help those who are thinking about marriage understand how serious a decision they are making. Divorce is a serious problem in the world and today's church, and one which needs to be discussed and studied more than it has been in the past. We need to consider the causes of the behaviors and actions, which commonly cause divorce, and we need to address these problems from the pulpit and church teaching sessions. We also need to think in preventive ways: help those who are thinking about marriage understand how serious a decision they are making, and do more to help ensure that couples are ready for marriage. We also need to be more proactive in helping those with small marital problems before they become major problems. It is time for Christians to think through these issues, and more importantly to get through them in the Word of God and find God’s truth in His Word.

From Bishop J. L. Payne recent book; Love, sex and Marriage:

http://churchhousepublisher.com